Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and as I sit here and reflect, I can tell you the pain never really goes away.
I think of my babies I lost every day. All four of them. I remember the day they were lost and the day they were due into this world.
Who would they look like? Would they have hair? Would they too, hate to swaddle? Would I finally get a good sleeper?
I can’t speak for every woman who has lost a baby, and yes, I say baby because for me, they were babies. For me, the stage of pregnancy, the trimester, is irrelevant. Whether that baby could breathe on her own outside of my womb, or whether he was fully developed does not matter. There was life. For me, my babies’ lives were taken too soon, and I mourn.
I mourn what was to be. Who they would become. The void in our family.
I have made sense out of my losses. Sort of. I've found peace and accepted that God took them for a reason.
There are so many misconceptions about miscarriage, and people can be cruel. I’ve experienced it myself. I have been questioned, ridiculed, and judged for trying again and having a desire to want “another” baby. Well, it’s my life, and my husband and I will decide when we’re done. I’ve been called ungrateful for the children I do have. I’m abundantly grateful for what God has given me. Why do people think because one wishes for more of something, then they aren’t grateful or satisfied? Life is a very short time of existence in which we innately long to fill with love, joy, and experiences. I’ve heard it’s not a big loss because some were not too far along. Doesn’t matter. New life is a gift, and it’s devastating when it’s gone. I was even told “no one cares about your f____ miscarriages.” I can’t even dignify that with a response. That hateful comment speaks for itself – a lack of compassion and character.
Let me clarify something. Heartbreak is personal. Pain is pain. I may feel it differently and handle it differently than the next mom, but it’s mine and mine to experience. Circumstances of course are not all the same, but unimaginable in their own way. Loss may be early on, midway, or close to birth. Loss may be at birth or after a few short breaths. And loss may be just days, weeks, or months after giving birth.
Regardless, no one should ever minimize a woman’s grief, pain, or emptiness, because no matter when a mama loses her sweet angel, she was already in love…
There’s no scale of hurt, no reason to compare.
There's always longing.